What to do when you can't forgive.

Yesterday, during a break from the nonstop snowstorms here in the Northeast, I strapped on snowshoes and went outside for a walk. As I trudged through the powdery, fresh snow, I made a spontaneous decision to dedicate my walk to forgiveness.

Turns out, I have a lot of work to do when it comes to forgiving others....

I fancy myself a fairly loving and compassionate man. If you were to ask me about holding grudges, I'd tell you that I'm someone who lets things go.

But the truth is I'd be lying.

Who we think we are is often quite different from who we really are. At least that's what I discovered on my trek through the woods.

As I made my way up and down the hills in my neighborhood, the number of people I needed to forgive surprised me.

When someone did come to mind, I repeated the following words, out loud, like a prayer:

I forgive you _______. I bless you and I let you go.

For more than an hour I continued this practice, step-by-snowy-step. Someone came to mind, I repeated the prayer, someone else came to mind, I repeated the prayer, the same person came to mind again, and I repeated the prayer over and over again.

By the end of my walk, I came face-to-face with what I like to forget when my ego gets wrapped up in the pain of the past:

My angry thoughts are what hurt me now, not the people from my past.

Investing my energy in painful memories is what keeps the chips on my shoulder firmly in place.

I'm the one fostering feelings of resentment and bitterness with my hostile thoughts.

I love the idea of forgiveness. I'd love nothing more than to think about someone, say a prayer, and be done with the past for good.

But life doesn't work that way.

Healing comes before forgiveness. Understanding and compassion are conditions of release. Spiritual vision is what's needed to see beyond the smallness of my humanity.

Every now and then I catch a glimpse of life on the other side of forgiveness - a brief, enlightened moment when a small voice beneath my righteous mind tells me that love really is the answer and that hurt people hurt people because of pain, not because of some perverse pleasure.

I'd like to trust that voice more and I'm open to learning how.

In the meantime, I'm grateful for my desire to forgive. It's a good first step. And, given what my little date with forgiveness taught me about how far I still need to go, I guess I'll begin with me...
 
"I forgive myself for my inability to forgive."

Start of Something New

After 2 long years, here I come again.

I actually do not know how to start a new entry again but anyway let's see..
There has been a lot of things that happened in my life from which I don't know where to start.

Transferring to another corporate office is a good starting point I guess.

Yes, I made it after almost 3 years of stay. It was a fun filled journey of my career. Met a lot of amazing people, friends, colleagues and some of which I considered mentors. During my stay I actually realized that this will be my space in the IT industry. I have been with coolest of people, emotional company, casual co-workers, funny friends. I actually found the right spot of which I really can say at that time "This is the place" and this is where I should be.

Work seems to be fun with all the great people you are able to talk with about anything. Problems that you seem to joke around knowing that you will not be judged hence you will end up laughing. I have learned almost all of my knowledge and honed my skills in this field of the industry. It tested my work attitude and all that crap.

Work and drama came hand and hand along this journey. Few good laughs and fair share of disappointments had seem to overruled the once a very happy and peaceful zone. I had considered it a home. And like some home you have been into, you realized that you're stay is just for a while. You need to find your place in the world.

All in all it was a happy trip. The date was Feb 14, 2011. I left home with a heavy heart and a found a new. But I was excited knowing there were some familiar faces in my new place. And then I knew, this is the start of something new.

Atlantis

Hi everyone. I can't think of anything to start my thoughts tonight but with a greeting. I have a lot of things, random things happening in my life right now. Recently just had a S.O. Just finished moving back to my house, which is exhausting and I should say happy,sad,hard and easy combined. Confusing isn't it? yeah I thought so too. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

I can't help but to think of the fact that I'm constantly searching for a place.. I guess we all do. Somewhere we think we matter. A place where we can feel that you're not just an ordinary neighbor. Friend that you can always rely on, an office mate that you eat lunch with everyday. And until you find that place, you'll continue searching.

But as of tonight, i can't say that I've found it just yet. But I can say that I am enjoying the journey that I'm in. I feel that whatever life come my way... I'm not alone. I have someone that will make it worthwhile. I'm hoping to have her as I face the future challenges my life will offer. And she has me for whatever life may take her. We'll be finding Atlantis, no matter this place really exist or not..

A Life full of Happiness

Basically I haven't made any blog for this week so I really feel the need to come up with one. Alright, here it is.

I kinda met this girl, although i havnt had any close circumstance yet ( and im hoping we could have in the nearest future) really. I should say that I'm so at ease when i talk to her, every moment is filled with joy. No dull moment, and the talk is just amazing. I can talk about anything to her, and as far as i can sense it she can too towards me.

What seems to be so great is that we share some characters and upbringings that's why we can relate with each other. She's easy to talk with, sweet and charming.. I'm really overwhelmed with her kindness.

we've been exchanging words for almost a little over a week now. Seriously, i kept all her messages from the very beggining til the end.

I'll name her Happiness. Yeah, that's perfect.since that what she is to me. And that what she makes me feel every second.

life in general as anyone says, is full of it. You just have to appreciate everything around you.
And you need to look closer,.. it might not be the perfect life you picture, but seriously it is. Full of moments filled with happiness.


And one more thing, I love saying that word now.. happiness.. happiness .. *wink*

Hot and Cold

I've never felt so irritated and upset at the same time, oh well not since when i felt this hot and cold treatment. You will never be right or wrong, you wouldn't know the persons moods and swings. You cannot be in right time on how to wear a smile on your face. Or at least pretend that you don't care. I somehow felt that i started this thing but I've never realized how irritating this can be.

There was this one time, that I saw this friend of mine. Let's call this person Red. Red is my person. or i think Red was. What is surprising me is that how I am affected by this set up. As much as I would like not to mind, it is really affecting me. The other thing that is concerning me is that Red is going through a rough time. Really really tough time I would say and it's going to be a while. It's a pretty big dilemma concerning family matters.

Sometimes I would like to ask Red: How are you holding up? But the moment i think of this, the more blurred I can think of how Red is gonna react. Will Red brush me off, or pretend to care? I know how hard it is to be in the exact situation as Red is in right now. But for goodness sake I've been meaning to say. Whatever life put upon you, you have to be strong for your family. You are their only hope. Hold on, everything would be fine. Just don't do inappropriate things that would mess your life. They need you to be strong.

Why are you doing it? Just for fun? or for what? Whatever reason that lead you to do that "Thing with our Friend" I can't understand it. And I don't like it. I know that you're better than that. And you're capable of doing better than that. Just please stop doing it. Please. please.

Let turn these switches off.

Disappointments

"Disappointment came to me,
and booted me,
and bruised and hurt me,
but that's how people grow up."
— Morrissey

Why does people keeps on disappointing you. Just when you have thought that you actually knew them already, then suddenly find yourself defenseless with certain surprises and make you realize that you barely know them. Well I guess, it hurts so much because you have put your trust and faith and believe that what you see is what you get. But its not the case. We have to admit that the world isn't really what you thought it would be.. and that thing hurts us so much, so bad.

Disappointments come in many different ways, different stuations.
It can come from families, friends, relationships, work, ambitions, and the most unbelievable truth,..it can come from ourselves. We often times disappoint ourselves. How could we be of defense through all these? We may hear a lot of advices, a lot of moving words of wisdom. But can we really take it all when you are the one to hear them. It's pretty tiring actually. You know you've heard them before and most of them came from you when you are the one who did the advising. You knew it very well then. I don't.

Through all these series of disappointments that had been the trend of my life lately. I have came up with the solution that I'll just let them and made myself not to care so much. This is to say the opposite to my character. I don't brag that i'm so caring because i seem to be snob sometimes. But when i start to care, you will get sick of me. I assure you that. Because, that is me. It's not a surprise that disappointment comes when deeply involved. That is who I am. And it's killing me to do this.

The harder thing to do is to accept the fact that in the process in all of this, you feel that your losing a friend. And that is the situation where I don't wanna be at. You're supposed to gain friends! not lose them. well..

I dunno I just wish that I'm not so caring enough. Making me not to experience this in the first place. I have said this before to particular friends, I don't want to feel desperate. This is the last thing i wanna feel.

Quiapo Invasion

mmm.. let's see how do i start to tell what happened this weekend. I had the usual weekend. Spent most of the time staying home, the only thing i really enjoyed about last weekend was when I went to Quiapo with a couple of new company. It was a hot saturday and we went there to specifically buy me a badminton racket. Yes, since one of my regular playmate in the group told me about this class A racket available in an Recto since he noticed that mine is already deformed and out of shape. It sux really. I noticed that i don’t really maximize my game and its giving me a hard time to put my game on court. So, i told my friends i could use some company to check it out. I forgot to mention that we posted some flyers around our area looking for space occupants.

Alright, we dropped by first in our tita's house for me to get some stuff. Wait i'll be calling it House B since there might be confusion about the house's ill be mentioning about. So House A - is where my mother is and House B is where my Tita is. Owkay,.. I got myself a little confused there. Then we headed to Quiapo through LRT 2. We took some snack when we got there, Oh by the way we saw some miniature anime characters with cheap price ranging from 30 -50 Php. I am really tempted to make a collection of it. They were like those you see in malls with very unreasonable super expensive prices which will make you utter some words like 'that is unfair for a very small piece of toy" when you see the price tags or heard the attendant about it. But then we were on a budget and decided to move on. So we tried looking for "The store" he mentioned which I’m pretty sure he said is in Recto, and guess what? we can't find it. I texted another playmate if she knows about the place and waited for her response when We found ourselves wandering around the Aranke market and ended up checking out some cute puppies.

I got a reply. "Blue, sa Raon po un and we will not be able to play this afternoon." then i replied that i will not make it too and patiently head our way to Raon. believe me its a long walk not to mention that it's too damn effin HOT! haha. . The good thing is my friends were very supportive or they are just not complaining. We found our first store and saw a few rackets then decided to look in more in other stores. I must tell that you have to be patient looking for any possible sports store since you will really get a big bargain when you hop through each one of them, and you'll get a lot of choices that will make it hard for you to decide which one to get. And we realized that we actually almost infront of Quiapo already seeing the footbridge when we saw this last big store and has a lot of items to choose from. It's ranging from 500-650 Class A rackets which they will string up packaged with the purchase. I got myself a Yonex. I forgot the model name, ill mention it in some other time. The attendant mentioned to get back after 45 minutes to get the strings done.

So we decided to find and say a quick prayer to Quiapo church and went to the other side to check some dvd's. As usual, a lot of onlookers for the latest movies. We roam around until 4pm. We went back to get my racket and left for home.

i had a friend who just recently broke up with her bf,
Rose, im sorry i wasn’t able to be there. I'm pretty booked up these days. Kaya mo yan,. What's another heartache for everything you've been through.

Jin, what happened? I know you guys can fix it.

Yorap,. Oks lang yan,. cenxa na i can't talk to you like i used to be. But i think its better this way. I know u have a lot of things going on right now. Hold on men. you're strong. You can make it through.

Embo and Vergel. Astig, enjoyed the company. Sipagan nyo lang,. magiging maaus din lahat. Looking forward of more kulitan.

Dar.. Wag bibitaw sa family. Dont think that your'e worthless. The fact that your'e worrying bout your siblings proves your worth. Maybe not so significant right now but in time. you will be.

Chill, sorry kung di ako nakakareply.. I'm still confused.

Rosedel, well.. I wish you all the happiness. You deserve it, I just hope that you can find it with him. I'm not mad. I'm used to it.

Maphy.. try to be healthy.. mhirap pag ikaw pa ang lalong magkasakit.. Clean living alright. complicated na situation.

Concep.. miss you as always..